I don’t know what I’m feeling but there’s a lot of it. I have this terrible habit of repressing everything and filling myself up with so many conflicting emotions until I feel like I’m going to burst. I’m in my head all the time, and I can’t quite explain how exhausting and overwhelming that becomes.
Work’s becoming harder to focus on. Housework’s becoming a chore. I never sleep, so the days just feel longer and longer. Basically where I’m at right now is a very low place and that’s hard to handle because I’ve spent the last few months working so hard to try and move on from this state of mind.
At this point, I don’t even know what I need. I feel like the days where I feel a slight bit of happiness I’ll ruin or focus on the shitty parts. My arms are becoming a canvas of scars again and my desire to be around people is fading.
I started seeing a therapist last week and in a way it’s already made me feel like there’s a reason for all of this. Addiction runs strong in my family, and she thinks I get addicted to people. But that got me thinking, what if it’s not this obsession with believing crappy people are a lot better than they actually are, and that I’m really just obsessed with my own downfall. For as long as I can remember, nothing or no one has ever been able to live up to these ridiculously high expectations I have. That’s not through any fault of theirs, of course, how can anyone ever be ‘perfect’? I feel like I’m so used to expecting to be let down that I go out looking for it. That doesn’t even make sense but I do it again and again and I’m not sure how it will ever change.
I don’t know. There’s no real point or reason for me writing this, I guess in a way it makes me slightly more able to get a grip on how/what I’m feeling and have the hope that I can look back at this at some point in the future and know I’m doing better again.
Kiren Kahlon 